Marriage Mayhem
by Kupo Stiltzkin
Summary: Asakura Yoh and Kyoyama Anna had been engaged since they’re just wee toddlers. When the time comes for them to take the plunge, what does 20 year old Yoh see in his married life the next 50 to 60 years to come? Not just domestic violence, unfortunately.


**Shaman King – Marriage Mayhem **

- - - -

_Disclaimer: Shaman King __©__ Takei Hiroyuki _

_A/N: Inspired by the Funbarigaoka omakes in the tankoubans, a future-speculation fic. No beta-reading, so please tell me if there's a mistake anywhere. Feedback is appreciated._

_Summary: Asakura Yoh and Kyoyama Anna had been engaged since they're just wee toddlers. When the time comes for them to take the plunge, pre-marriage jitters dance in Yoh's mind. What does twenty year old Asakura Yoh see in his married life the next 50 to 60 years to come? Not just domestic violence, unfortunately. _

- - - -

As they're approaching that time of the age, Yoh knew his wedding was coming sooner than he expected. He was engaged to Anna since years ago, he couldn't even replace when, but Anna was always in every of his childhood memory. He never left her for too long, either it's Japan or America, she would fly right to him with a blink of an eye. Manta had once asked if he ever questioned his parents' decision, placing his life in the care of _that_ woman, and ever tried to refuse his family's choice. Surely there must be other better, gentler, prettier itakos out there?

Yoh had shaken his head then, he was always the obedient grandson and son, and he would be a good husband if asked. For Manta, who had his whole life pre-arranged by his father, Yoh's decision seemed almost suicidal. Manta had saw how Anna treated Yoh, even went as far as experiencing it himself. His betrothed definitely was not a gentle woman, though nobody would ever dare to say that right in front of her. She would not care of how other's think of him, pushing him to go forward for his own good, and for their own good as well. Her expression of love was rarely poured into those three magic words (well, not in front of him), but more than usual in form of punches and exercises. He had been Anna's live punching bag from ever since he could remember, yet he also remembered how she sew those uniform, how she dared vast America for him, and he smiled pleasantly at the memory.

But he couldn't help but think about his future, ever since Manta asked him the dreaded question. True, Kyoyama Anna was an attractive girl, and as soon as she turned seventeen Yoh could feel every boy's gaze fell upon Anna as she walked past, turning around just to check her out, and he was secretly very proud of it. She was also not a helpless girl, his family had reminded him of this matter many times, the one who would be an Asakura should be a strong woman, strengthening the family line would be his first job as an Asakura descendant.

Yoh remembered his days with Anna when he was just 5 years old.

"Do you see that fish over there?" The small itako pointed curtly at a rainbow trout swimming happily in the river, and Yoh followed her direction.

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Get it for me."

Yoh looked at her, dumbfounded. "Eh? I don't want to, it's such a bother-"

At this, Anna walked to a nearby tree, took a branch underneath it, and broke it into two pieces. Yoh couldn't help but notice the branch was twice bigger than his upper arm. And the more frightening thing was, Anna split them as easy as breaking a pencil lead. He imagined it was him as the branch, snapping into two perfect pieces.

"Will you get the fish for me or not?" She asked once again, her tone as cold as ice.

He grinned at her, nodded obediently and quickly leapt in to the river. "Of course. Anything for you, Anna."

But never ever trust a five year old Asakura to catch a fish that he couldn't even hold in his hands, and before securing a grip to the rainbow trout, Yoh's sandal slipped on the slimy rocks on the river's base.

Yoh was carried away by the stream, almost making a dangerous leapt from a waterfall when his grandfather finally found him, shivering from head to toe.

And he still remembered Anna's words very clearly after that: "Why don't you swim, you idiot?"

- - - -

Yoh remembered his days with Anna as he prepared for the Shaman King tournament.

"Yoh, tidy up the futons."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, prepare breakfast."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, make me milk tea."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, prepare lunch after you finish your push-ups."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, clean the toilet."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, go to the store to buy ingredients for dinner."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, go prepare dinner after you finish your squats."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, go buy me Shonen Jump."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, your cooking sucks. Go buy a cookbook."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, this shirt's rigged. Mend it."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, don't you dare go to sleep before you finish 1000 sit-ups."

"Okay, Anna."

"Yoh, you need to be a Shaman King no matter what, because I don't want to live a poor life."

"Okay, Anna."

"So if you failed, I'll kill you. You got that?"

"Okay, Anna."

- - - -

Somehow, Yoh pictured his life when he's 25 years old.

"The government just raised the gasoline price again. This won't do," Anna sighed, placing down the newspaper.

"So? It got nothing to do with us. The hot spring business is doing great."

"The price will be raising any minute now, asshole. First the rice, then meat, next I can't even afford to buy Shonen Jump!"

"Oh please, you're exaggerating every thing-"

"I've prepared your clothes."

"For what?"

"You got an interview for admin work tomorrow at 10 AM."

"Huh? But I never send any resume! In fact, I don't even have one! Dear god, Anna, I didn't even go to college and you want me to do office work!"

"Oh, a nice forging always does the trick. Somebody's got to work to pay the bills, Yoh."

"Why can't it be-"

"And I knew you love me too much to let me work, right?"

"Er-"

"Right?"

He nodded silently.

- - - -

Yoh pictured his life when he's 30 years old.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Amidamaru? Careful, don't get too close to me, Dad is ironing."

"Today, my teacher at school said that fathers are the head of the family."

"That's true."

"And my friends told me that their dads go to work at office every day, while their mothers stay at home and do housework."

"Yes, housework is something like washing, mopping, ironing, stuff like that."

"They also said their parents love each other and respected each other."

"That's how families are."

"But dad! _You_'re the one doing household chores everyday; you do the laundry, mop the floor, iron the clothes, and wash the dishes! While mom is-"

"Look, your mom and I have an agreement before we got married, and it was agreed that I'm the one who'll do the chores."

"You're scared of her."

Asakura Yoh stopped his activity for a while, placed the iron firmly, and gave his son an indignant look. "Son, listen carefully. You should remember and understand that there is a fine line between fear and respect. I _respect_ your mother. And she also res-"

"Yoh, the baby's crying! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"In a moment, honey!" Yoh answered with extreme meekness and heard his own voice quiver, while Little Amidamaru was looking at his father, cringing with a very dismayed face.

- - - -

40 years old.

"I believed we already talked about this ever since we're young, about who do the housework, who take care of the kids, and who will go to work to pay the bills."

Anna didn't look up from her magazine. "And?"

"You do know what my dream was when we're still children? The first reason why I entry the Shaman King Tournament?"

"Oh, that. Because **-I-** want to live leisurely as the wife of Shaman King."

"Wrong!" Yoh stomped his foot impatiently. "Because **-I-** want to live leisurely after I become the Shaman King!"

"So?"

"So? SO? SOOO?" He pulled off the pink apron roughly from his chest, successfully ripping the cloth into rigged pieces and threw it to the floor as hard as he could. "I've had enough of this! I'm a man and I'm the head of the family, and from now on you should obey me!"

"Oh, really?" Anna asked slowly, placing her magazine down. "And what would you ever do to this pitiable and weak wife of yours if she won't obey?"

He recoiled for a second at her glare, but held his ground. "I'll do what I need to do."

"What, you're gonna hit me?"

"Don't challenge me, Anna."

"Too scared, aren't you?"

"Stop. It."

"C'mon, coward, why can't you do it?"

"I said stop it!"

"Chic-ken!"

The next thing he knew, he already raised his hand.

**S M A C K! **

Oyamada Manta, always a true friend, found Yoh crouching over the river bank hours later. Manta seated himself next to the man he knew for such a long time, not caring a bit that he was wearing a pricey designer's suit and stained them with grass and dirt, and patted Yoh's back affectionately. Yoh, however, kept his unmoving eyes at the river's stream.

"How are you feeling, buddy?"

"Not too good, Manta, sorry..."

"What happened?"

"We were arguing, and then..." Yoh stared at the palm of his right hand. "...it just snapped."

Manta gradually turned his gaze to his best friend. "Does it hurt?"

Slowly, Yoh raised his hand to caress the mark of Anna's hand on his left cheek, and quietly sobbed into his hands. "V-very."

- - - -

50 years old.

"I-I knew I've been using you all this years. You must have hated me so much, darling," She wiped away the tears flowing down her cheek. "But I'll start respecting you and cherish every moment that we have. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

"It's okay. I kept doing it, understanding you. And you know why?" He looked firmly into her eyes, "Because I love you, and I kept praying for the day when you finally realize my love for you."

"Oh, Yoshirin!"

"Michi!"

Anna bit her rice crackers and threw a disgusted look at the TV. "This soap opera is so damn cheesy."

"Yet you keep watching it," Yoh said, wiping Anna's toes dry, as she placed her foot on her husband's lap.

"So what, I've got nothing to do. Hey, watch where you're applying that nail polish! Last time you did such a horrible job that everybody thought I dipped my feet into red paint."

"I see. What color do you want this time?"

"Hmm... metallic blue would be nice."

Yoh rummaged around the container which Anna used to hold all of her colorful nail polish bottles, and found none. "There's no metallic blue in here."

"Go buy it."

"It's 5 degrees out there."

"Wear your jacket."

"It's 10 PM right now, Anna."

"Ever heard of 24/7 convenience stores?"

"We don't have it in this town."

"So?"

The glower she gave him has never changed over the decades, and he found himself slowly and submissively retreating to the front door. When he opened the door after grabbing his wallet, he heard her calling him from in front of the TV. "Don't forget to buy grilled eel for me!"

Yoh blinked and quietly closed the door on his way out. He wished he could slam it though, but thoughts of Anna doing unimaginable things to him troubled his mind. Scratching his head, he thought, _where the hell can I find grilled eel at winter?_

- - - -

60 years old.

"I'm getting a divorce."

Tao Ren looked at Yoh from the rim of his glass. "You know, it would sound a lot more convincing if you haven't told me this repeatedly for the last 40 years and ended up shrinking by the time you got home. Like hell, man...you should have said no from the first place. But you just won't admit that you're scared to shit of her."

"Hey...I was young and stupid at the time, dammit," Yoh countered him, his voice rising above the sounds of other bar visitors.

Ren rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Can I ask you one thing?"

"What?"

"Did she ever let you be on top?"

Yoh, who was on his way of gulping his 27th shot of tequila, choked instantly. Coughing endlessly, he stared indignantly at Ren. "What the hell-"

"I guess the answer is _No_, huh," Ren shrugged. "You're not young anymore, but you're still stupid."

"Shaddap."

"Let me give you a piece of advice - get a divorce lawyer before that succubus finished sucking everything out of you. Or if you're in the heart of committing suicide, call me," Ren patted his shoulder, grinning wickedly. "You'll make a good kyonshi."

Yoh let out a sarcastic laugh.

- - - -

70 years old.

"You're five decades too late to travel. Master Yoh, when I was half your age, I've seen half of the world, I've kissed the rain in Spain, snowboarded in Switzerland, played with koala in Australia-"

"Yeah, yeah, Ryu, you've even kissed a panda's ass at China," Yoh waved his hand impatiently. "So you're not up to traveling anymore?"

"Oh, I would love to, but my body wasn't like how it used to be anymore. After all, my Best Place is here, surrounded by my friends," Ryu said, proudly spreading his arms.

Yoh sighed heavily, and left the Funbari mental asylum with a heavy heart. Ryu of the wooden sword was never the same ever since the bike accident that almost rigged his body and hair in two. Since Hokkaido, London and New York were totally out of the question. The weather would kill him before he got there, and there's no way he would go to Faust, and let himself be another collection of skeleton...

But as he flipped open his cell phone and read the message in his inbox from his dear wife: (_Come home NOW to make dinner. Don't forget to buy me sakura-mochi. By the way, who is Akemi who works at Kiss Kiss Bar? I found her name card marked with lipstick inside your coat's pocket_.)

... Faust seemed really tempting now.

- - - -

Finally, Yoh pictured his life when he's 80 years old.

Laying on his deathbed, Yoh could see faces of his beloved people swarming on each side of his bed. But all he could see clearly was her face framed with visible wrinkles, yet that tough and stubborn line still existed in her façade.

"Anna?"

He could see her drawing near to the side of the bed, crouching over to caress his bald head. It was hereditary, his grandfather was bald as long as he knew, and his father's hair line was receding rapidly ever since Yoh's first child was born. "What is it?" She whispered, holding his hand with her other hand.

"I need you to hear...my last request."

"All right."

"I want you to...put all of our money and my treasure into my coffin when I die," He stopped to cough. "I love them too much to part with them in the afterlife."

She was silent.

"Will you do this one last request for me, dear? I've never asked anything of you ever since we were kids, and this will be the only and last thing I requested of you."

"All right."

Yoh couldn't believe his ears. "What?"

"All right, I'll do it," Anna echoed, "Because you've been so good to me all these years, and this is the only thing you've ever asked of me."

Asakura Yoh was finally in heaven. Not even a memory of 5,6 billion years could top this moment.

"Oh, Anna, Anna, thank you so much," He tightened his grip on her hand, tears of joy brimming in his eyes. "You don't know how glad I am to hear this, I lov-"

And with one last spasm, Asakura Yoh died anticlimactically, he was finally free from the clutches of his wife. Or so he thought.

She gave him one last kiss. "And I love you too, Yoh."

At the funeral, Manta, tiny as ever, walked while balancing himself on a cane, and approached Anna, who was gazing silently at the face inside the coffin. The remorse in the room was overwhelming, and he sobbed quietly to a handkerchief. "How are you doing, Anna?"

"I've been better, Manta, but thank you for asking."

"By the way, I saw you put a piece of paper inside the coffin before they close it."

"Oh, that. It was Yoh's last request."

Manta was quiet for a while as he gave this a thought. "But I thought Yoh's request was for you to place all of your money and treasure into his coffin."

"I did."

Again, Manta was bewildered. "How-"

"I sold away the family treasure, deposited all of our money in the bank and put a check in his coffin. That way, Yoh can withdraw his money anytime he wants to."

Manta felt his jaw dropping to the floor with a loud bang.

"You know what?" Anna said, turning over to the face in the coffin. "It seems that my husband has skeletons in the closet that he never once mentioned to me when he's still alive. I'll summon his soul tonight for an interrogation."

The tiny old man sweated profusely, felt a chill down his spine, and whispered the coffin good luck before scurrying off to the distance.

Yes, sadly, even the mighty Asakura Yoh could never escape his dear wife's wrath, whether as a human or in the afterlife.

- - - -

Jumping up from his reverie, twenty year old Asakura Yoh almost screamed at his own daydreams. He pulled out his hair violently from frustration, fleetingly wondering if he gave himself bald patches, Anna would reconsider her decision to marry him.

There was a chance his life will end up that way, or like Manta would calculate, about 99,9 percent.

Yoh stole a look at Anna's luxurious wedding kimono that hung gracefully in the room, beautifully adorned with white cranes and golden threads. His parents had insisted a traditional Japanese wedding, though Yoh had preferred the honey-moon wedding. Less money and more free-time, he suggested. One stern stare from Anna and his idea was gone faster than a breeze. He imagined Anna, his Anna would look so beautiful in the kimono, with the traditional Japanese white veil that represented obedience to the husband on her hair.

_How ironic_, he thought. Anna would be wearing the white veil in the real life and inwardly everybody knew Yoh was the one wearing the veil, nodding at the every words of his wife.

It was spring in Tokyo, and sakura was blooming. But inside Asakura Yoh's heart would never be spring, it would always be winter, snow and blizzard falling endlessly as long as Anna was still in his life.

"Anna, we need to talk."

"Talk, then."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and-"

"Yoh, you missed that spot over there."

Yoh went over to the corner and wiped the floor clean. "As I was saying-"

"And there too," Anna pointed lazily beside the TV, nibbling her rice crackers.

"Look, I'll do it later. I was saying that-"

Pause.

Anna was glaring at him from the floor, her head supported with one hand. "Are you going to stop mopping the floor?"

He looked back at her and gulped silently. "No. It can wait until dinner."

Seven hours later, Yoh looked at the botched food fiasco that he laid on the dining table. The meat and potatoes have his blood all over it, the spinach was burnt and the rice was undercooked. She could feel her eyes moving from the sad excuse he called dinner to his face, squinting her eyes sharply at him.

"What is this?" Anna asked, her tone frigid.

"Food," He reasoned lamely, nodding his head as if that would help the circumstances. Sadly, it didn't – as Anna got up from her seat across the table and reached over to choke him.

"What?" she echoed.

Yoh had seen and been in this situation before. He had seen Anna surrounded by delinquents of other school years ago, taunting her with words of chick and lame pick up lines. They were all five men twice her size, and the second time he blinked, they were all a bloody mess on the street, and Anna stood tall over them. Yoh thought of the bright side of it, concluding that she was someone that could easily fend for herself, and not someone that needed constant protection.

"I get preoccupied," Yoh choked out, his breathing cut off by the fingers clutching his neck.

He felt her grip loosened and his toes could finally reach the floor again, gasping for breath like a broken vacuum cleaner. "I said this morning that we need to talk."

"And?"

"About marriage – about this, our marriage. I've been giving it a lot of thinking and I-" Yoh paused, noticing the look in her face has went from blank to anxious. Anna clamped her hand over her mouth, and Yoh considered his words for a while, noting that was the first time she ever looked fragile.

"I think we shouldn't do it."

Yoh closed his eyes and braced himself for screams, slaps, punches, kicks and so much nastier things. But instead, he felt nothing for five long minutes and slowly opened his eyes to an empty seat in front of him.

"Anna?" he searched over the dining room. "Anna?" He called over the corridors of the house. "Anna!"

Yoh finally found Anna lingering in the darkness of his room after he searched the town for hours, too tired to argue and to even walk anymore. He collapsed to a heap right on her feet, and scanned the content of his room. Oddly enough, he noted that all of his favorite CDs and most valuable items were still nicely intact.

"You should've notice that my shoes are still in the house," Anna said, her back to him and her elbows propped at the open window's sill. "I saw you screaming like an idiot on the street."

"I thought," Yoh heaved, "You've thrown yourself over the river or something."

"Like hell I'd do that," She turned away from the window, "Twenty years, Yoh, and you still think I'm some helpless girl that will kill herself over a man."

"You don't act like you usually do."

Anna sighed and crouched in front of him. "What made you decide that?"

"I tried looking back the past years and...well, imagined my future," He slowly said, his cheek still pressing on the floor. "I don't think I can endure you for that long."

"What do you see when you look back all these years?"

A swirl of emotions suddenly overwhelmed him as he started to remember the tournament, the journey and each of the trials he had endured. He remembered friendship, betrayal, trust and reliance. She was always there with him, through thick and thin.

"What do you see, Yoh?"

"Anna, we've been together like forever, there's not a single memory of mine that don't have you in it."

**T H W A C K **

A stinging feeling jabbed his back.

"Yeouchh! Okay, okay, I see you in it!" Yoh quickly said.

"And?"

"...Let's go with the marriage."

It was a quiet five minutes before Anna broke the silence. "Did I make you do that?"

"No...I thought of it when I was running all over the town, looking for you like mad. I thought about...what would happen to me without you around. It would have been nice, doing everything I want without somebody yelling at me. But really...it's much nicer when you're around."

Yoh thought he heard a sniffle, but considered better not to look up. One thing Anna would really hate was someone caught her crying.

"But anyway, why did you go upstairs?" He asked.

The weight on his back lifted at last, and Yoh got up in time to see Anna walking to the door.

"I feel nauseous," She answered.

"Huh?" He scratched his head awkwardly, never hearing Anna sick for his entire life. "You wanna go see a doctor?"

"I'm late, Yoh."

"What do you mean, you're late?" He glanced at the clock and back at her. "Did you miss your favorite TV show?"

Anna slid the door close with a mysterious smile tugged on her lips. He faintly heard her say 'idiot'.

Five minutes later, a look of comprehension dawned on Asakura Yoh's face and his eyes almost jumped out of his sockets.

- - - -

The wedding ceremony was held at Izumo, and as he straightened his wedding kimono, Yoh could see his good old friends in the crowd, his family members on each of his side. Even his father removed his mask and Ryu's hair has that weird heart shape again.

But it was after the wedding vows that he was in for another big surprise.

"I promise I'll give my best to raise that child," Yoh whispered to her as he leaned over to kiss Anna's cheek, and heard her whispered back, "Oh, but Yoh, this child is _not_ yours."

Asakura Yoh could feel his own jaw crashing down the floor, and the calm smile Anna gave him was not helping at all.

Nine long months passed until Yoh finally learned that it was all just a lie, and all that time Anna enjoyed her revenge thoroughly.

**THE END **


End file.
